I am a chaos junkie.

Well not disaster and evil demons and destruction chaos, but I like the rollercoaster of adventure.  I live for the thrill that change brings.  I'm not sure if this is normal, but I do know that what other people call normal puts me in an anxious filled, one step away from curled up and rocking in a corner on the bed place.  When I am not in action mode, it seems I have too much time to think.  Action mode thinking is good...I get a ton accomplished, I am thinking with goal filled purpose etc.  When in "maintainence" mode (see?  I'm actually coming to a good segue here), I start having death and aging anxiety and I start feeling that quiet trickle of desperation trickle in and fill up my insides until I feel like I am going to drown.

I'm thinking that this somehow relates to weight loss and the dreaded maintaining or even worse, creeping back up.  When I was wildy successful, nothing could get in my way. I had a drive and a purpose to get that old fattie gone and this time also had a loving supportive husband.  When I hit a wall the first time, I wasn't ready to accept that 200 lbs was an ok weight.  So I retried all the old things along with some crazy new things and because I was spinning my wheels and angry, some of the weight came back.  But this weight gain and bouts of compulsive eating was still action mode.  I was just replacing the frenetic action of filling out weight loss diaries and weight lifting journals and food lists with ...well food.  And the act of eating with purpose well beyond nourishment of the body.

 So fast forward and I get my medical issues sorted and my head sorted and I am back to the 200 place (well actually now I'm at 205 thanks to 4 weeks of kitchen renovation and having to eat out or take out) and last year I had more anxiety episodes that I really remember before.  Now thinking about it, I realize that maybe a contributing factor was that lack of motion in all parts of my life that was making me a little crazy.  Finally I reached a cross roads where everything was good/stable/normal/maintainence mode, and I started feeling the restless agitation again.  Had the five year plan not started coming to fruition, I could well be standing here before you fighting the weight gain demons again...and 60lb demons vs the 5-8lb I plan to do battle with.

I'm not sure what my point is except maybe that I think compulsive eaters are perhaps just compulsive people who found safety or instant gratification of their compulsion with eating and food.  The desire to be compulsive does not go away...EVER.  Compulsive eating can be controlled, but for me, I have to accept that my itch to be compulsive or action filled  will trickle out in other areas of my life.  I have to accept that to feel like I am growing and thriving, I have to have one foot on a flashy skateboard.  And action and new adventures with thought out and minimized risk sure beats drowning in anxiety or drowning in food for that matter.

Life update:

The kitchen can now be cooked in...thank the gods!!!!  We have one more day of work with odds and sods to be completed but no workers in sight.  Which is ok because they haven't gotten paid yet.  Chaz did play terribly polite but bad cop (yum) and checked to see if they were ever going to come around.  I think the threat of me ebaying their tools got them to agree to Monday.

Easter this weekend - holy smokes how did that happen?  I can honestly say I have yet to have my cadbury egg this season and that is in fact some kind of heresy.

I'm packing, tossing, ebaying, amazon market placing with fervor and passion.  I can't believe that I am fetching some coins for paperbacks..this is wonderful and I'm putting it in my must-pay-the-movers tip jar.  Selling cookbooks on Amazon (greysangel) and paperback lots on ebay (scotsheart) in case anyone is interested.

Speaking of movers - I finally have gotten my mom to get over the fact that I am not strapping the boxes to my back and walking them down to New Orleans.  Seriously.  She suggested Pods which was a tremendously good idea except for the fact that they need a driveway and we have none.  So she spent the last two weeks urging me to consider all roads which basically pointed to us schlepping our house down.  Oh hells no.  I drive an old honda accord. Honda accords are NOT moving trucks.  There is no way we are hitching anything to my little car or that I am going to turn into rhoda the big wheeler for a couple days.  I'll pack...no probs there..in fact I'm probably way too anal to let other people do that business. But having a reputable company move us?  I'm sure it will be worth every penny.

Speaking of couple of days - anyone got some must stops between Bayonne and New Orleans?  I'm thinking maybe barbeque in Birmingham, but it's a long way between here and even there.  I'm thrilled and terrified of the road trip aspect of this move.  Me + Chaz + puppies for 18+ hours = we best have some damn good music.

Our house here goes up for rent hopefully next week.

I'm flying down to NOLA for one night only to do job interviews on Tuesday.  For totally opposite ends of the spectrum, I have one interview for a historic development group and another for a dog grooming business

We are officially count down to I QUIT!!! WOO.  I'm vested.  WOO.  I'm giving notice for the end of April so that I can finish up dog grooming school in May and have some time to pack and finish up in this neck o' the woods.  Chaz is trying to hold out to the end of April so that we can stagger the last pay checks and income coming in.

Life is looking sunny on our side of the street!